the nicu

After the amazing birth experience, things kind of got a little tough the next few days + weeks. After she was born the nurse took Tanner and Baby (we still hadn't named her at this point) down to get her first bath, and I cleaned up with the nurse and was to follow shortly. I was super dizzy and lightheaded so it took me a little longer than I expected it would. I was still feeling pretty awful when I got down to the Mother/Baby floor, so instead of joining my new baby and Tanner, I waved at them through the nursery window and decided I'd wait for them in my hospital room.

I KNOW... this picture is a bit revealing of me, but LOOK at that tiny baby! (we HATED those stinking cords) 

I waited for a long time & they still didn't come so I finally had the nurse wheel me down to see what was taking so long. When I got there Tanner was in the middle of talking to the pediatrician, and we found out the Baby had a fever when she was born. The Dr. (who was the on call doc, and not our regular one) explained that this was super rare, and kind of scary. I felt like he was super cold about delivering that news to us, and I honestly didn't like any of our interactions with him, but whatever, he's not our doc! Soo, because she had a fever when she was born, they wanted to make sure she wasn't septic so they said she would have to be in the level II nursery/NICU for at least 48 hours and that she would be on antibiotics in case the fever was caused by an infection. It took me a little while to register the fact that we wouldn't be leaving that room with her, and more than ANYTHING it was so scary for me to see my brand new baby (who I never imagined would be anything but healthy) hooked up to IV's and heart monitors, and O2 monitors. The Dr. and even the nurses acted like she was so sick, one of my nurses even took it upon herself to remind me continuously that my baby was "just so sick" over and over. Thanks, lady. It broke my heart & I really didn't have any control over the situation which was so scary & on top of that I wanted to do what was best for her but I had no idea what that was (and  lets be real, I was exhausted from laboring all night and day and giving birth).

That night we went back to my hospital room, just the two of us. I laid and worried about my baby. I hoped everything would be okay. I prayed so fervently that my baby would be okay. It was so scary to not know what was wrong. I just yearned for my perfect girl to be all better! I woke every few hours and either pumped or walked down to the NICU to feed her. In between I hardly got sleep because I was so worried about her (I always knew I was a worry wart, but motherhood gave new meaning to that phrase for me!).

Somewhere around this time we settled on her name, our little Eloise Grace. I chose Grace as her middle name, because it symbolized the grace and beauty of ballet for me. Ballet will always be my first true love & I wanted some way to symbolize that in her name, but without naming her something obvious like Giselle. I always liked the name Eloise, and one day during our hospital stay my Mom texted me and asked if I knew that Eloise meant "strong warrior". I remember tearing up when she sent that, because our little loo truly was a little warrior, and somehow knowing her name had that meaning gave me so much hope!

During our stay Eloise struggled with feeding & it really weighed on me a lot. My girl just loved to sleep and wouldn't wake up to eat, or stay awake to eat. The first day we were there the nurses told me not to worry and that she was surely getting enough. The next day I got chewed out because her blood sugar was incredibly low. Um, hello, nurses? I kept telling you I didn't think she was getting enough! Since her blood sugar was so low they told us we couldn't go home until she was feeding better, and they upped her IV. Every time she had a good feeding they would notch the IV down until we were eventually weaned off of it.

I can't even describe the pressure that that put on me as a new mom who was completely new to this breastfeeding thing! I remained surprisingly strong though. Strange, isn't it? How when we look back on hard experiences we think, how did I do that?, but yet, somehow we do. The Lord carried me and strengthened me. So the pressure was on. I had to get her to feed well if I wanted her to come home. Every time I sat down to feed her was so full of pressure for me, and so scary. Lactation consultant after lactation consultant came to help, and would always tell me I was doing everything right, and that Eloise was just so sleepy, and that was where the struggle came from. My Dad and Tanner's Dad gave me and Eloise blessings when we found out we'd be staying longer than we expected. I was so glad to have that comfort & spirit there in our little curtained off portion of the NICU.

And by some miracle, Eloise ate well, and her blood tests came back with no signs of infection so we got to go home Wednesday afternoon, just three days after she was born.

In the end our experience ended up being a good one in the NICU, the nurses were amazing, really truly amazing. I felt so blessed that they took such good care of me and my baby and answered all my questions. I kept joking that we got the VIP experience (with a VIP price too :)! We never found out why she had that fever, although I suspect it was from her passing the meconium when she was born. I was so amazed by the strength and courage of the other parents in that nursery, whose babies were in there longer than Eloise & who were much sicker. (babies shouldn't have to be sick!) I am just in awe of the strength that those parents that have babies in there for months and months! WOW.

We went home having no idea what we were doing, but I assuredly knew that I would do absolutely anything for that sweet little girl.

the birth story

The day Eloise was born was one of the greatest days of my life. I was so nervous for her to come, but that day will surely remain one of the most beautiful I've ever experienced. Life is beautiful + moments like seeing your little babe for the first time, well, they are so sacred, so pure, that of course, my writing will never be able to do this day justice, but hopefully I can at least jot down the details so I can look back and remember what an exciting day it was.

On Saturday, the day before she was born, I was having pretty painful contractions randomly throughout the day. I really didn't pay much attention to them because I was 40 weeks 6 days and scheduled to be induced on Monday - in 2 days, and I had all but given up on my body going into labor by itself. I knew that, no matter what, it was the last day for me to get the house ready for baby. So I cleaned and cleaned all day, ran errands, moved furniture, and finally finished packing my hospital bag. 

My contractions continued all day, and around midnight they became steadier to where they were about every 5-10 minutes apart. For some reason I still had it in my head that my body wasn't going to do this labor thing by itself so it never really occurred to me that we might be going to the hospital soon, ha! So all night my contractions continued every 5 minutes and I winced in pain every five minutes, holding my breath and curling up in pain. At 6 a.m. I was soo exhausted and finally accepted that I should probably go to the hospital so I showered and dried my hair. After that my contractions continued 4-5 minutes apart but I was just way too tired to go to the hospital after being up all night so I just laid on the bed and fell asleep for a few hours.

When I woke up they were 2-5 minutes apart so I told Tanner I was going to eat and finish getting ready and then we could go. A few minutes into that I realized I was in way to much pain to do any of those  things, so off we went. 

Going home after 3 days in the NICU and probably 5 hours of sleep total over those 3 days. Do I look tired?! 

When I checked in at 11 am  I was dilated to a 4.5, and about an hour later I got the blessed epidural. My Mom and Kristen came straight from the airport where Kristen had just gotten in from Arizona, and hung out with us in the hospital room.

I really wasn't much fun to be around though because I was TERRIFIED to have this baby. I kept asking if it was too late to turn back. I was totally in denial, and didn't want to push, and was just so, so scared. I felt so inadequate (and tired from being up all night!) We said a prayer together and I felt a little more peaceful after - but still scared. Yep, scared out of my mind! 

Side note about the epidural -- it made me itch so, so bad. Seriously it turned me into a spaz. I was freaking out and saying I'd rather not have it at all because the itching was driving me NUTS. Ah! My skin is crawling just thinking about it. 

By about 5 pm or so I was dilated to a 10 but I was so so numb that I couldn't push (which I was secretly happy about because like I said, I was scared to meet her so I was happy to postpone it:)) I think I started pushing around 5:30 and she was born at 6:58. Pushing was AWESOME. Granted I know that if I didn't have an epidural it would have been terrible, but it was just the coolest feeling -- giving birth. TMI, ha. Really though, I loved it. Weird right? 

Eloise's heart rate was dropping as I pushed and she pooped as she was coming out, which scared me so bad, because I had heard scary things about it getting in the lungs, so when I heard her sweet little cry as she came out, I was elated.

And wow, that moment! There are no words! She was beautiful. I couldn't believe she was here, and she was mine, and how perfect she was! Not even going to try and describe it. Just... wow. As soon as I saw her I couldn't believe I had been so scared. I could never have imagined how I would feel when I saw her for the first time. It was so special and so sacred to see her for the first time. (and of course, I bawled like a baby -- Tanner cried too) 

We held her skin to skin, in the dimly lit room, and relished in that moment that our family truly began. It was like Christmas morning! Except way, way better.