pregnancy.

i hated just about every second of being pregnant. i was sooo sick the first few months (lost 10 lbs off my starting weight) and then was ok for a while until i got huuuuge, during the hot summer months on a college campus. i read all these blog posts about how beautiful pregnancy is, and how stretch marks are like a badge of honor. welp... i don't really love my stretch marks and i didn't really love being fat, but i sure do love my eloise, so there's that!

3 weeks before i had my sweet girl maki took these pictures. i have a love hate relationship with them, because... like i said... HUGE, but whadda ya do?

the pink hat.

this. hat. 

we seriously love it. lulu looks so cute in it it's almost too much to handle. whenever i take her places in it people can't even get enough of it. they are always commenting on it's cuteness! 

as cute as the hat is though? i'm still a little partial to the baby in the hat. 

blessing day : eloise grace edwards

Eloise's blessing day could not have been more perfect. I woke up that morning and fed her & then we all got ready. It was such a peaceful morning, we had church music playing throughout the house and ate breakfast together, and then had a little pre church photo shoot with the bebe.

Her blessing was beautiful as well. She's got the best Dad who has so much love for her. She is one lucky lucky girl. 

After church we had family & friends over for some yummy soup. I'm sooo grateful for such good friends & family that live close. It was a blessed day for a perfect girl. Heaven is surely close when she is around. 

{almost} 3 months.

We love our sweet Eloise. {or as we like to call her ::: lulu, loo, lolo, lo, lil wheezy.. etc. yeah homegirl has got a few too many nicknames} Honestly I think I can speak for the both of us when I say being parents is the BEST. I know, I know, that will probably change when she's a bratty 3 year old or when we have to give "the talk" but right now, yeah, things are pretty hunky dory. 

It's just SO AMAZING - watching her grow and learn. Having her has made me appreciate what a miracle this life is & made me appreciate those around me & all they do for me. Because when I see this helpless 3 month old - I see that that was me once & my parents selflessly took care of me and loved me & gave their all to me & now... I can't help but do the same for her. She's great.

So life right now: is full of a lot of snuggles and kisses and dirty diapers. Me and Tanner can't get over how funny she is when she burps or laughs at the ceiling fan. WOW does this girl love the ceiling fan. She will lay in our bedroom and watch it and just laugh and laugh. Another funny thing she loves? The screensaver on the apple TV. That cracks her up! Endlessly.

some more fun eloise facts: 

\ mornings: they are her absolute favorite... she smiles and laughs and stretches.

\\  she smiles and laughs for everyone. especially herself in the mirror. adorable, i tell ya. 

\\\ sleeps semi through the night. usually 11:30-5:30 or 6. sometimes less, sometimes more. 

\\\\ loves grandmas + aunt aunties + unkies + grandpa's if they can ever get a turn with her. 

the nicu

After the amazing birth experience, things kind of got a little tough the next few days + weeks. After she was born the nurse took Tanner and Baby (we still hadn't named her at this point) down to get her first bath, and I cleaned up with the nurse and was to follow shortly. I was super dizzy and lightheaded so it took me a little longer than I expected it would. I was still feeling pretty awful when I got down to the Mother/Baby floor, so instead of joining my new baby and Tanner, I waved at them through the nursery window and decided I'd wait for them in my hospital room.

I KNOW... this picture is a bit revealing of me, but LOOK at that tiny baby! (we HATED those stinking cords) 

I waited for a long time & they still didn't come so I finally had the nurse wheel me down to see what was taking so long. When I got there Tanner was in the middle of talking to the pediatrician, and we found out the Baby had a fever when she was born. The Dr. (who was the on call doc, and not our regular one) explained that this was super rare, and kind of scary. I felt like he was super cold about delivering that news to us, and I honestly didn't like any of our interactions with him, but whatever, he's not our doc! Soo, because she had a fever when she was born, they wanted to make sure she wasn't septic so they said she would have to be in the level II nursery/NICU for at least 48 hours and that she would be on antibiotics in case the fever was caused by an infection. It took me a little while to register the fact that we wouldn't be leaving that room with her, and more than ANYTHING it was so scary for me to see my brand new baby (who I never imagined would be anything but healthy) hooked up to IV's and heart monitors, and O2 monitors. The Dr. and even the nurses acted like she was so sick, one of my nurses even took it upon herself to remind me continuously that my baby was "just so sick" over and over. Thanks, lady. It broke my heart & I really didn't have any control over the situation which was so scary & on top of that I wanted to do what was best for her but I had no idea what that was (and  lets be real, I was exhausted from laboring all night and day and giving birth).

That night we went back to my hospital room, just the two of us. I laid and worried about my baby. I hoped everything would be okay. I prayed so fervently that my baby would be okay. It was so scary to not know what was wrong. I just yearned for my perfect girl to be all better! I woke every few hours and either pumped or walked down to the NICU to feed her. In between I hardly got sleep because I was so worried about her (I always knew I was a worry wart, but motherhood gave new meaning to that phrase for me!).

Somewhere around this time we settled on her name, our little Eloise Grace. I chose Grace as her middle name, because it symbolized the grace and beauty of ballet for me. Ballet will always be my first true love & I wanted some way to symbolize that in her name, but without naming her something obvious like Giselle. I always liked the name Eloise, and one day during our hospital stay my Mom texted me and asked if I knew that Eloise meant "strong warrior". I remember tearing up when she sent that, because our little loo truly was a little warrior, and somehow knowing her name had that meaning gave me so much hope!

During our stay Eloise struggled with feeding & it really weighed on me a lot. My girl just loved to sleep and wouldn't wake up to eat, or stay awake to eat. The first day we were there the nurses told me not to worry and that she was surely getting enough. The next day I got chewed out because her blood sugar was incredibly low. Um, hello, nurses? I kept telling you I didn't think she was getting enough! Since her blood sugar was so low they told us we couldn't go home until she was feeding better, and they upped her IV. Every time she had a good feeding they would notch the IV down until we were eventually weaned off of it.

I can't even describe the pressure that that put on me as a new mom who was completely new to this breastfeeding thing! I remained surprisingly strong though. Strange, isn't it? How when we look back on hard experiences we think, how did I do that?, but yet, somehow we do. The Lord carried me and strengthened me. So the pressure was on. I had to get her to feed well if I wanted her to come home. Every time I sat down to feed her was so full of pressure for me, and so scary. Lactation consultant after lactation consultant came to help, and would always tell me I was doing everything right, and that Eloise was just so sleepy, and that was where the struggle came from. My Dad and Tanner's Dad gave me and Eloise blessings when we found out we'd be staying longer than we expected. I was so glad to have that comfort & spirit there in our little curtained off portion of the NICU.

And by some miracle, Eloise ate well, and her blood tests came back with no signs of infection so we got to go home Wednesday afternoon, just three days after she was born.

In the end our experience ended up being a good one in the NICU, the nurses were amazing, really truly amazing. I felt so blessed that they took such good care of me and my baby and answered all my questions. I kept joking that we got the VIP experience (with a VIP price too :)! We never found out why she had that fever, although I suspect it was from her passing the meconium when she was born. I was so amazed by the strength and courage of the other parents in that nursery, whose babies were in there longer than Eloise & who were much sicker. (babies shouldn't have to be sick!) I am just in awe of the strength that those parents that have babies in there for months and months! WOW.

We went home having no idea what we were doing, but I assuredly knew that I would do absolutely anything for that sweet little girl.

the birth story

The day Eloise was born was one of the greatest days of my life. I was so nervous for her to come, but that day will surely remain one of the most beautiful I've ever experienced. Life is beautiful + moments like seeing your little babe for the first time, well, they are so sacred, so pure, that of course, my writing will never be able to do this day justice, but hopefully I can at least jot down the details so I can look back and remember what an exciting day it was.

On Saturday, the day before she was born, I was having pretty painful contractions randomly throughout the day. I really didn't pay much attention to them because I was 40 weeks 6 days and scheduled to be induced on Monday - in 2 days, and I had all but given up on my body going into labor by itself. I knew that, no matter what, it was the last day for me to get the house ready for baby. So I cleaned and cleaned all day, ran errands, moved furniture, and finally finished packing my hospital bag. 

My contractions continued all day, and around midnight they became steadier to where they were about every 5-10 minutes apart. For some reason I still had it in my head that my body wasn't going to do this labor thing by itself so it never really occurred to me that we might be going to the hospital soon, ha! So all night my contractions continued every 5 minutes and I winced in pain every five minutes, holding my breath and curling up in pain. At 6 a.m. I was soo exhausted and finally accepted that I should probably go to the hospital so I showered and dried my hair. After that my contractions continued 4-5 minutes apart but I was just way too tired to go to the hospital after being up all night so I just laid on the bed and fell asleep for a few hours.

When I woke up they were 2-5 minutes apart so I told Tanner I was going to eat and finish getting ready and then we could go. A few minutes into that I realized I was in way to much pain to do any of those  things, so off we went. 

Going home after 3 days in the NICU and probably 5 hours of sleep total over those 3 days. Do I look tired?! 

When I checked in at 11 am  I was dilated to a 4.5, and about an hour later I got the blessed epidural. My Mom and Kristen came straight from the airport where Kristen had just gotten in from Arizona, and hung out with us in the hospital room.

I really wasn't much fun to be around though because I was TERRIFIED to have this baby. I kept asking if it was too late to turn back. I was totally in denial, and didn't want to push, and was just so, so scared. I felt so inadequate (and tired from being up all night!) We said a prayer together and I felt a little more peaceful after - but still scared. Yep, scared out of my mind! 

Side note about the epidural -- it made me itch so, so bad. Seriously it turned me into a spaz. I was freaking out and saying I'd rather not have it at all because the itching was driving me NUTS. Ah! My skin is crawling just thinking about it. 

By about 5 pm or so I was dilated to a 10 but I was so so numb that I couldn't push (which I was secretly happy about because like I said, I was scared to meet her so I was happy to postpone it:)) I think I started pushing around 5:30 and she was born at 6:58. Pushing was AWESOME. Granted I know that if I didn't have an epidural it would have been terrible, but it was just the coolest feeling -- giving birth. TMI, ha. Really though, I loved it. Weird right? 

Eloise's heart rate was dropping as I pushed and she pooped as she was coming out, which scared me so bad, because I had heard scary things about it getting in the lungs, so when I heard her sweet little cry as she came out, I was elated.

And wow, that moment! There are no words! She was beautiful. I couldn't believe she was here, and she was mine, and how perfect she was! Not even going to try and describe it. Just... wow. As soon as I saw her I couldn't believe I had been so scared. I could never have imagined how I would feel when I saw her for the first time. It was so special and so sacred to see her for the first time. (and of course, I bawled like a baby -- Tanner cried too) 

We held her skin to skin, in the dimly lit room, and relished in that moment that our family truly began. It was like Christmas morning! Except way, way better. 

s a i l i n g

One of my favorite (albeit, weirdest) memories of my Dad happened while I was in high school. I think I was a Senior? My Dad woke me up one Saturday morning after he had been garage sale-ing. (Always a good sign...) He told me he bought a sail boat (really just a catamaran). He dragged me out of bed to come see. It was orange and yellow, and had some dumb trampoline thing that you sat on while you "sailed." I was so confused. My Dad didn't know how to sail. At all. AT ALL! But he had done a lot of reading and been a few times, so it would all work out, right?            

Which brings me to one of the things I admire most about him. He didn't know to sail but he didn't care, he wanted to learn, so he was going to! And he did. And boy was he committed. We all poked fun of him as he would take his little cat down to the lake, lift up the mast, and hope to make it out of the marina without the motor dying and without forgetting to put the plugs into the boat before we sank. ALWAYS an adventure. It was honestly weird how much he didn't seem to mind how things never quite went right.

Through it all though Kev became a real captain! AND he finally got a real sailboat. So now, we can head out on the lake with the whole family without getting wet, we can eat lunch on the lake (or airheads for Wes) and relax on the boat, with just the sound of the sails, no loud motor. And after all the mishaps Kev became a remarkably good sailor and I think (co-captain) Tanner even has the bug too. (Yay!) I love it. I love that he took something he knew nothing about, and with total confidence ran with it, and made something out of it! Most of all, I love how much we benefit from it :)

P.S. We missed you Kristen!!!

house fun

I am seriously struggling with this blogging thing lately. It's been cray cray lately to say the least. Sooo, in a nutshell. I'm looking super fat and preg which is AWESOME, we've been to California a few times, I made it through the hardest semester I've ever done (just to start up again last week! ugh), and we have been doing lots of house projects (surprise, surprise!).

Today we went to home depot on the way home from Wes' piano recital to grab some gray paint chips for the house, because as it turns out, it is impossible to find a good gray, instead though, we ended up coming home with a million bushes and some edging, and decided today was the perfect day to tear up our yard. WHAT?!! But it worked out and it's looking really good. Physical labor is fun sometimes! Seriously, I love it. Although, lets me honest, I'll let Tanner do the rest of the yard without me. I'm tired!  

Se here is what we did today! I wish I had a before because it's a lot different. But instead, just imagine lots of weeds. And... after.......

We dug out a bunch of grass, and dug a trench to put this edging in. I saw more spiders today then I have seen in my entire life combined. Such a treat. We really need to call a bug guy. 

We are super excited that our house doesn't look like a meth house anymore! haha. We've still got more to do in front along the side of the driveway, but after today I don't want to think about that.  The thing I am MOST excited for though is what I have in store for (hopefully) next week. I am going to paint our door a fun shade of green like the one below. Crazy that I don't like that beautiful brown we have now, I know. I am going to paint the inside and outside the same color.

And since I always love stalking peoples bump pictures... I've basically ballooned over that past two weeks. Maybe it's the stress? Or maybe I just have a human inside of me.  So here it is. The 24 week bump. (and a messy house) I feel like I look like I'm due any day now. 

we are baaaack!

I think I'm going to make a thing to just not blog from January through March. Mainly because there is nothing good that happens during those months because it is just TOO COLD. But, the sun is starting to shine again, this semester is over in about a month, and we are even getting out on our bikes tonight. Good things are happening. Our house has been a bit of a construction zone the past little bit and we are both so happy that it is at least semi put back together (actually it never was put together so this is a first for our house:) 

It is so nice to have a couch back in our family room. Let me tell ya. 

my happiness project.

I have hesitated posting about this sooo much, because, well, by actually putting this out there, that means I have to stick to it, which scares me. So, I don't know exactly why I am sharing this little project of mine. But, for whatever reason, a moment of insanity has lead me to share some goals I've outlined for the next year.

The idea for my own happiness project came from the book The Happiness Project (who would have ever guessed?!)  I took this book with me everywhere this summer as a fun read --- I actually didn't even finish it, but that Gretchen Rubin inspired me to take on my own Happiness Project in just the first half of the book.  (Maybe one of my goals should be to finish the second half?) In the book, the author focuses on ONE THING every month to work on. Just one thing. And she works on it all month. I think this approach makes goals much more achievable, while giving you time to see the fruits of your work.

Disclaimer: We are happy! I am happy! Actually I am the happiest I have ever been in my whole life. No contest. Tanner has blessed my life beyond comprehension --- I wish life could just be as it is, right now, here in this moment, forever.

But with that said, I KNOW  there are some things that I could be better at, some things that I believe if I were to focus on, there would be greater peace in our home & in our hearts. I hope that by focusing on these monthly goals that we will be able to live life more fully, and gratefully. I want us to be savoring this time.  Every last moment.

So, here we go!!! Gretchen did hers for a whole year, but I'm sort of terrified that I won't last a year (seriously though), but there are lots of things I want to work on so I still made goals for mostly the whole year, even if some will change as I go!

January :  Cleanliness and Organization

February :Bettering our Marriage

March : Budgeting

April : Take Risks + Try NEW things

May : Serve Others

June : Outdoors. Everything outdoors.

July: Be Creative

August : Healthy Living  (No eating out?!) 

September : Kindness & Patience

October : Strengthen Relationships (friends + fam) 

November :  ????

December: ????

There they are. Let's do this!

welcome 2013

This past year was a good good year. There were so many moments this past year where I felt so amazed by how blessed we have been. It was a happy, healthy year full of beginnings and ends, each of which brought us much joy & at times, sorrow. 

In January, Tanner started a new job. He has worked so hard, and has so much to be proud of. He amazes me. If I do say so myself...

We celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary, and our 3rd Christmas season together.

We traveled to.... oh wait no where. Let's hope that changes in 2013! But, really, we did go to St. George a couple of times, Vegas, and Palm Springs for a day. Next year, I really really hope New York City, and Redfish can be added to that list! 

I started and finished a job that I loved at the Credit Union, and now I "get" to focus on school in the coming year. It totally is a blessing, but I am going to miss my job.


And best of all this year? We bought our first house! 

>>------------------------>>> here are a couple pictures 
                                      (i'll post more when I have 'em)

This picture is super pixely but I love how our new comforter goes with my chair//dresser//mirror. We also hung some new pretty gray curtains in here. 

Our yard! We don't even know what to do with it. Maybe we'll build a snowman when it's not 6 degrees outside!? 

Bring it on 2013!! Something tells us this year is going to be the best yet... :)